What bubbles to buy or 'oh sh*t, I forgot the Champagne and only have a few hours to shop on f'ing NYE!'

So you've almost made it through the gauntlet of the holidays but here's NYE. As I sit here looking at the snowfall in my Dad's mountain home, about to go cross country skiing, I think about those less fortunate then I....those drinking crap wine tonight. People tell me that Champagne makes them super-drunk...yes bubbles deliver the alcohol quicker, but suck it up champ and handle your alcohol like the grown-up you are. Plus maybe stop at one bottle...

Quick breakdown, true Champagne is made in a very specific laborious way and can only come from a  place called, yes genius, Champagne in France. Everything else is called sparkling wine. Usually comprised of three grapes, Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier and Chardonnay, the blend of acid, fine bubbles, biscuity notes from the yeast and ageing, aromas of strawberries and cider make true Champagne unbelievably amazing. That's not to say there aren't quality alternatives. There are...if it says methode champenoise, it was made in the same tradition. Not always a guarantee, but at least a short cut for you. These kinds are made everywhere...Franciacorta from Italy, sparkling from Sonoma, Argentina, Cremant from all over France (outside Champagne), Cava from Spain and Sekt from Germany, as examples. Not necessarily the same grapes as Champagne but sometimes so. Confused? No need...again, this is the good part, try different kinds to see what you like. I know, you just want me to tell you what to get. Fine...

For my favorite treats:

1.) Bollinger any and all...the house styles is like Krug, which is also fantastic, but here you're not paying Krug prices. The style is more biscuity with extended time on the yeast. I like to eat roasted chestnuts as a pairing but not from China...they come out strange once they get here. Favorite song: Ca Plane pour Moi, Plastic Bertrand. You have to dance like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club while drinking it. I represent this wine currently but loved it way before...more than $50

2.) Taittinger Compte de Rose- Beautiful acidity, gorgeous notes of roses and fresh strawberries mingled with a fine mousse. Pairing- oysters on the half shell. Make certain the oyster's are good. My grandpa used to say "I like my oysters fried, that way I know they died." Words to live by, otherwise you're calling the dinosaurs out of a taxi all the way back to Hoboken. Just sayin. More than $50

3.) Vouette et Sorbee- super hard to find but worth it if you happen upon this gem. More than $50

4.) Roederer Sparkling from California- a fantastic alternative and it's midday on NYE so what do you care? You're desperate but no worries, this is the tits for CA. Under $40

5.) Domaine Carneros- see #4. Under $40.

6.) Gruet from NM- "holy sh*t", you're thinking, "have you lost you're marbles".' You went on and on about Champagne then jumped tracks to a sparkling from New Mexico? That state's full of hippies, burn-outs and prostitutes.' It's true but this wine is really good for the price. No offense if you're from NM. Under $20

7.) Gratien and Meyer brut or Langlois Chateau Cremant rose- both amazeballs and neither are super expensive. Under $20

8.) Segura Viudas Reserva Heredad Brut Cava, Spain- I lived in Spain and think this place is Disneyland for adults. They know how to drink for f'in sure. Made from Parellada, Xarello and Macabeo plus machismo for good measure, this has an earthy component that is entirely Spanish in nature. Under $20

9.) Berlucchi Franciacorta rose or Monte Rossa Cabochon from Italy- if you happen upon a Franciacorta, treat yourself and step up from Prosecco. A good Prosecco for ten bucks is fine for breakfast but it's NYE...don't be a savage. Around $40

10.) Iron Horse Wedding Cuvée- traditional method and very elegant with a lighter body. Under $35

Going cheaper? Want big bubbles and don't want to spend more then twenty bucks?Prosecco works. Great producers are Nino Franco, Carpene Malvolti, Ruffino Prosecco or La Marca Superiore. Decent Moscato d'asti from the likes of Massolino and Michele Chiarlo are on the sweeter side. If you own tiny giraffes, wear four carat diamonds in your ear, and swim in pink diamonds, by all means, buy Louis Roederer Cristal and ruin it by mixing it with OJ. You probably own a G6 and a penthouse and have to work hard to look douchey, too. You probably don't just keep up with the Kardashians but hang out with them. No offense.

For the rest of us, happy NYE, cause I'm too lazy to type the full salutation, and want to get back to Candy Crush...

Hugs and Kisses,

Snarky

So this is what I'm drinking tonight...Suck it, you that aren't