Mass Consumer Tasting Etiquette

  I'm writing this to help you, the reader, but also after over a decade, myself and my colleagues have had it. There are just things that you should not do at a tasting and I'm going to tell you right now what they are. You're welcome.

  Do NOT ask to 'fill 'er up.' You paid a nominal fee that usually goes to some charity and the wine's been donated by the winery, you cheap bastard. There are hundreds of wines at these tent tastings, so here's your chance to try a bunch. At a restaurant, you pay on average, ten dollars for one glass of wine and you want me to top you off? You could literally drink bottles-worth, effectively drowning yourself in alcohol! Know this...I might smile at your face and politely ask you to limit the pour so everyone else around you can try this one wine out of a billion present on this day, but the second you turn around, we're all calling you an @sshole. Sure as shit. I can speak for everyone on this point.

  Also, don't continue to raise your glass higher and higher as my arm tries to match you. After a hundred people have come by this becomes an unnecessary workout in the absurd. I know you're trying to help, bless your little heart, but as trained professionals, it's our job to avoid touching the bottle to your glass.

  The next one is more of a fashion tip. Don't wear those neck loops that hold your glass and hang on your chest. You look like a jackass. It's the equivalent of going to the store wearing a Snuggie. Sure it might be functional, but c'mon. Just carry the thing.

  My colleague, who I'm consulting as I write this, wants me to add the following...do NOT ask 'gimme your best wine' or 'which of these wines is the best' or worst of all 'what do you have under the table that you're hiding.' How do I know what you like? They're all good  or donated and therefore free to you, for the most part. Try a sip, and if you don't like it, pour it out and move on. You're not buying a house here. This isn't a marriage proposal. Also, it's like asking me if you'll like chicken or pasta. How the f@ck should I know and the comparison is as unsimilar and unrelated. Finally, if I'm hiding something under the table, I applaud your attempt to get it but I promise you, if I'm hiding something by definition, I don't want it to be found.

99% of the time at these massive sh$t shows, what you see is what you get.

  Last point...there's food available at these events for a reason. You're here to taste and maybe get your drink on, a little bit, but not to see if you can crawl away puking as you go out the tent past security. Eat the food, sip the wine, and move along.

Sincerely,

Ninja and Spirited Sicilian