White Trash Food Pairings

I'm sitting here listening to Toby Keith and naturally, I started thinking about my favorite white trash snack as a kid. It was a mayo sandwich on white "bread" (who knows if actual grains were involved), and Velveeta cheez slices, paired with an ice cold Dr. Pepper. That's when all of this started. The moment when I realized certain beverages go well with certain foods, that is to say. Now, I know you're thinking that white trash is relegated to the South and that's wrong on so many levels. Yes you were thinking it. I know when you're lying...your eyes start blinking, so don't start. No, everywhere you find a Walmart, you can find truly crap food. Some of my following suggestions can work in many situations. Find a Cheerio under the car seat, Moms? I recommend a nice somewhat dry Riesling (Halbtrocken if from Germany). Put it in a sippy cup for you! Just don't drive, or give it to your Toddler...Going to the movies and having a giant tub of popcorn? Bring a large-style Chardonnay in a flask, like those from Burgundy (Puligny Montrachet, Meursault, Chassagne Montrachet- all Chardonnays!) Champagne works too, but harder to sneak in and open. Just don't tell anyone I told you to do it...no one likes a tattle-tits.

So here goes:

1.) Peanut Butter on apple slices- Again many Chardonnays work but I think Meursault is the best in this case. 

2.) Tacos from Taco Cabana- if you're from Texas, you've visited this fine establishment (probably at 3 am). What goes best with their tacos? White Zinfandel or a sweeter Riesling (if you're talking about Germany, look for the words Auslese, Spatlese or Kabinett, which are rough correlations to sweetness). If you're more of a queso person and just want a snack, Pinot Grigio from just about anywhere will work. Either that or some of Franzia's selections, such as Mountain Chablis...or maybe that's Almaden. Either way, it works. It's 3 am. Do you really care?

3.) White Castle burgers- See? Not just from the south. I find that if you get them with cheese, and let's be honest, why wouldn't you, then I like a Pinot Noir (maybe not a Nuits St George, but a nice Beaune Premier Cru, or a fine selection from Sonoma). 

4.) A Half-smoke- from DC. Don't knock it till you try it...then subsequently die of a heart attack. This is a special hot dog, that is juicy with meat-fat, chili and sometimes cheese. A bold Zinfandel from Lodi or a Primitivo from southern Italy are what's called for here.

5.) Ribs- Oh I love a good Cabernet in this case or maybe a Bordeaux from St. Julien or St. Estephe (contain Cabernet). I'm of course speaking of ribs with a sweet thick sauce, particularly from Texas. Don't start a debate if you're from North Carolina since you have some sort of vinegar-based weirdness. South Carolina? Not going there. Sides complicate matters, so skip those in favor of more wine. Gotta watch your calories, you know. Bourbon works too come to think of it.

6.) Kraft Macaroni and Cheese- I'm speaking here, of course, of that neon colored stuff in powder form. See above re Cheerios and sippy cup. 

7.) Seven-layer Bean Dip- don't tell me there's anything healthy about this because it contains olives. It's healthy because it has guacamole. Everyone knows Avocados are a super-food. Duh. Anyhow, because of the olives, stay away from red wines. The interaction is gross. Instead, I'd go for something fairly innocuous like, again a Pinot Grigio, preferably in large production. Nothing with decent character here to clash with the refried beans!

8.) Pizza- ok. Not always white trash, but if the crust is stuffed with cheese and is swimming in fat on cardboard, don't tell me this is necessarily quality nourishment. Maybe for your soul, yes. Chianti or any other Sangiovese-based wine like a Rosso di Montalcino is best, but sometimes a Merlot with a little body is nice. Think Napa, St. Emilion or Pomerol. If you tell me you don't drink Merlot, I'll shove a bottle down your throat. Sideways was a long time ago. Millions still drink this varietal. I've seen the numbers.

9.) Funnel Cake-Don't tell me you can pass these fried dough masses with powder sugar if you're at a fair. No one can. That's why I avoid fairs and Carnies. But, you were good by skipping sides with your ribs/turkey leg, so why not some dessert? I love Trockenbeerenauslese from Austria if I go for this coronary death trap. Eiswein works too. They won't have these at the fair most likely so you'll either have to whip out your Fry Daddy (Wait, you don't have one!? How bizarre...) or sneak these wines in. I think these folks aren't too picky on their security measures, so you're probably ok.

10.) Raisenetes- you should have some fruit, and although I think raisins don't belong with or in other foods, many enjoy these little booger-shaped treats. If eating at the movies (who buys these and eats them at home, seriously?), may I suggest again either a Zinfandel (red, yes I said red) or more of your everyday garden variety Merlot. If you're trying to pair the Champagne with the popcorn and the Zin with the chocolate covered squishiness that are Rasinetes (honestly, who eats these? I mean it), I admire your commitment so best to buy splits and half-bottles. Oh and take a cab. You're too full to go on a walk, anyhow!

I'm off to a movie. Good luck with your New Year's diet everyone!

Your Snarkiness