February 14th or the Most Ridiculous Holiday Hallmark Created

My Dad always made Valentine's day special by giving my sisters and I a little box of chocolates. Every man has failed to live up to the sentiment until just now. Last year was the worst ever but luckily that jacka@@ is gone...I'm dating my best friend now, so he knows how low the bar is set. He surprised me by giving me chocolates, flowers and is cooking dinner. Jackpot. Don't hate me though...I've had decades of crappy dates on this stupid holiday so be nice.

Is it men's fault though that they never live up to the hype? I blame CVS, Whitman's chocolate and Hallmark. The heads of those companies got together one day and said, "there's a serious lag in sales from Christmas to Easter. Let's get together and seriously rape the American public!" Later as it grew, Zales got involved, the Moonies and their roses and restaurants as well. It's so commercialized and overblown. Unless you're planning on chartering a plane to Napa to rent a hot-air balloon to sail over vineyards while dripping something expensive over your cherished one, consider whatever you have planned an epic fail. For crying out loud, I saw an add for a six foot teddy bear. I would punch someone in the jewels if that creepy thing showed up on my doorstep.  Where has our sense of reality gone?

Restaurants are also an experience commesnurate with Dante's Seven Hells today. They're slammed with couples and need to push you out for the next miserable couple to make their reservation and ensure a 'magical night.' It's no picnic for either side. Most of the people attending have no regular dining experience, don't tip nor understand the torture of waiting tables and of course, are clueless on picking out a wine. It's amateur night so I avoid it like the Ebola virus.

May I suggest an alternative? Go to the store and buy a nice bottle of wine. Get food to go from a deli or restaurant, or cook yourself. Pass on the romantic movie that comes out on Valentines day. It's crap for sure and is pandering to the hopes of some unrealistic love affair unraveling in our own lives. We're better than that y'all. What's a nice gift or gesture? Maybe a coupon for a back rub, or to clean the toilet. That would be magical.

If you're single, treat yourself to a lovely evening...Grill a steak, rent a movie and have a bubble bath. Add a bottle of wine and you're good to go. 

Happy VDay either way. I'm going to eat steak and drink a bottle of Massolino Barolo.                                                                         

Super Bowl and Super Pairings

It's that magical time of year when we've passed the craziness of the holidays and can finally sit down and enjoy our friends and/or family... The SuperBowl. This year the thirty-something...forty eighth?...I've forgotten my Roman numerals (sorry Montessori!) is brought to you by the NFL, Visa and Budlight. This is taking place in NJ, so of course, Broadway is shutdown in Manhattan, 15 miles away. The BudLight floating hotel is docked, ready for people to puke right into the Hudson. I'll be at a casino nowhere near either in case you're wondering. I left NYC this morning as it was already past insane. If you've never driven to this area before, now is not the time to start. Get a cab for crying out loud.

There are other things to consider as most of us can't afford to spend $1600 for a ticket in the nosebleed section at the MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford. What to eat and drink are certainly the most important decisions and to make matters easier for you, I've made some recommendations:

1.) Queso Dip- this is critical to any serious party and if you read last week's post, there was a Velveeta rumor that they would run out. Thankfully, there seems to be plenty. They're liars but whatever. Pair with an IPA, rum and coke,  Long Island Ice Tea, or a Chardonnay (Bourgogne blanc, Sonoma.) If you like it spicey, go with Riesling. Pinot Grigio works as long as it's mass-produced and not very interesting. The same can be said for guacamole. Not that it can be mass-produced but that it can go with the same style innocuous Pinot Grigio. And no, I will not give you my Guac recipe, Katie. Sorry, it's sacred.

2.) Wings- buffalo and spicey. There are no others. My blog, my view. Chardonnay, Zinfandel, rum and coke, vodka tonic, or Riesling will be fabulous. Do not go Chablis on the Chardonnay or the acid and spice will annihilate your tongue, and if you're lucky you'll need it every time your favorite team scores. Which in this case should be the Broncos.

3.) Burgers, Brats or Hot Dogs- Merlot (yes, Merlot!!!), Pinot Noir (Bourgogne rouge, Sonoma, Spatburgunder), Zweigelt (excuse me!), rum and coke, tequila sunrise, an IPA, Salty Dog...you know what? Just about anything works here. I'll be drinking whisky, whiskey (look it up- they're different) or Armagnac but I'm a snobby little sh*t and have a drinking problem.

4.) Chips and Salsa- Riesling, Bartles and James (if they still make it), and any cocktail that's void of cola because it tastes like a@@ with salsa. 

5.) Chili- and by this I don't mean that cinnamon-laced bullsh*t they make in Cincinnati. The Bengals aren't in it this year so who cares, or ever. An amber beer, Syrah, Cabernet, a weighty Pinot Noir from Oregon or the Cotes de Nuits, Bourbon, Armagnac, or an aged Rum. Don't go for shots of white rum or you'll be calling the Porcelain gods with answers of chili and said rum. Sip something good as this is a special holiday.

That's it...if you say to me, "what about my buddy's special dip?" I would respond that I don't know and could care less. These are the five things you should worry about pairing. If you start adding chips, ranch dip and various other sides, whatever mass-produced crap beer you've bought is fine. And if some douche bag says you've paired your ranch dip with the wrong wine, get rid of him and get a new friend. If it's a family member, move and change your number because they sound horrible.

Crisis and a Good Stiff Drink

I was watching the news today, which usually causes me to freak the 'f' out. The crisis in Syria, scandals with greedy-bastard CEOs, Danes murdering Pilot Whales, etc...but what really has me concerned is the announcement regarding the recent shortage of Velveeta. The Broncos (and some other team) are going to the Super Bowl in a short week and the country may run out of this processed "cheese." It's not like you can melt real cheese and add Rotel! That sh*t clumps for Pete's sake! Anyway, I got hungry and subsequently distracted from my fear. It's freezing outside and so I started rummaging through my Zombie-contingency stash of canned food. You don't have one? Zombies will happen so best be prepared! I have a machete too so don't even think you can come for my food!

I digress...I had mayo, eggs and bread in addition to the cans, ergo, egg salad it was. No use breaking into the stash. You never know when the outbreak will occur. Now, wine works as a pairing but what's better? Rum and diet coke. My mixologist friends are screaming right now, "use rose bitters and mollify some strawberries with that sh*t!" I love the rebirth of cool cocktails into our lives but not at breakfast. Simple and fast was what I needed. Being that I just started to represent Busted Barrel from New Jersey I felt I should go that route. The problem is I had no diet coke but I did have one ginger beer, which aids in digestion and is amazeballs with rum. A plan was coming together and my day was off to a good start. I was listening to the Outfield's "Your Love" and dancing in the kitchen when I realized something. I've planned for Zombies but not the Velveeta shortage. Now what? I started calling my local and closest stores and guess what? They all had Velveeta. I smell marketing wizadry at work, nevertheless, I will go out tomorrow and get some. I just hope it's not too late. 

Well, I know you're all pulling for me so stay tuned. Next post will either be "Crisis Averted" or "Pairing Chips and Nothing for the Super Bowl." Oh yeah, and I hope the escalating tensions in Syria are resolved too.

Women in the Wine business: Biggest Ally or Biggest Foe

It smells particularly ripe in Newark today. I'm sitting here waiting to get my fingerprints done for my broker's license, trying to identify the smell and I think it's just the city. Rain sometimes brings this rotten-cabbage odor out, which is why I hate rainy days in Northern New Jersey. It's not cleansing. It's foul. You may be asking yourself what this has to do with women in the wine business. Nothing, but I thought I'd share.

Anyhow, while sitting here, I was chatting with a wonderful woman from India, a grandmother in fact. More then I cared to know but ok. She asked why I was getting printed and I told her that I was starting my own business selling alcohol. She told me kindly that if I fall, I need to get up and keep going. There's no staying on the ground. That was it but so nice. Normally, I'm not one for the gushy cat-poster-inspirational chats but this time it stuck. Plus after fighting traffic, waiting for hours, only to get turned away by the evil bastards at the independent fingerprinting agency, her words were fitting, and as it turns out, appropriately timed. I'm more surprised by kind words from people that I run into then not, so it got me thinking about the other rough spots in the biz (I tied it together, see?)

Often in this industry, I'm in the minority in the boardroom if not the only woman. I'm grabbed by buyers who think they've been given a doll to play with (you know who you are!) Reps and accounts ask me out or flirt with me uncomfortably when I'm just trying to do my d@mned job. I can handle all of that with grace, humor and sometimes a kick to the man-jewels. What really bugs me the most, though, are other women that cut me and each other down. Wtf?!?! Ladies, there's plenty of hurdles to getting to the top for us without hamstringing one another. Being a malicious little backstabber is truly unnecessary and gross. Think you're winning points with your male counterparts? Nope, you've just knocked yourself down a peg. I've asked. Here's an example. There was this company I worked for once where a woman told my boss, several other employees and my distributor that I was acting strange and to some, that she smelled alcohol on my breath...at a wine tasting!!! Grow up. Supposedly this was out of concern but why go to multiple people? Go to me first. Oh wait, she did and I explained the following, and she still went around "helping me." A natural disaster had just hit and I was nervous about the event going well, since power was still out in many places. Plus, in a hurry, I made the bowel-destroying decision to eat a hot dog. The point is, there's enough drama in the world, stop creating it. Oh and it was a wine tasting. Everyone's breath had alcohol on it. When I talked to her about it she told me there are double standards in this business. Well stop making them worse!

Another example is a superior at another company tried to get me to sell the wines on her side of the book when I had other priorities and directives. Unsatisfied with me telling her this, she went over my boss's boss to tattle. What a brat. Because she was friends with the higher ups, I was trapped. She was hated for this repeated behavior by many. Then we had a cage match, I put her in a sleeper hold and won the title. We had to call in reinforcements and put yellow crime tape around us after it was all said and done.

Now some of my most cherished mentors are women, so I'm not a hater. I support all people in the biz that aren't morons. If you're a female cretin, I can't stand you as much as your idiotic male counterpart. We should all be supportive of co-workers that are smart and hard-working no matter the sex. God only knows the amount of dipshits we encounter no matter who they are.

My point is that it's hard enough to break through the proverbial glass ceiling, fighting in pissing contests all the way with the big-swinging...well you know, that the last thing we need is infighting and materialized drama. Keep that energy for more important things, like your girlfriends and how tacky they can be. 

White Trash Food Pairings

I'm sitting here listening to Toby Keith and naturally, I started thinking about my favorite white trash snack as a kid. It was a mayo sandwich on white "bread" (who knows if actual grains were involved), and Velveeta cheez slices, paired with an ice cold Dr. Pepper. That's when all of this started. The moment when I realized certain beverages go well with certain foods, that is to say. Now, I know you're thinking that white trash is relegated to the South and that's wrong on so many levels. Yes you were thinking it. I know when you're lying...your eyes start blinking, so don't start. No, everywhere you find a Walmart, you can find truly crap food. Some of my following suggestions can work in many situations. Find a Cheerio under the car seat, Moms? I recommend a nice somewhat dry Riesling (Halbtrocken if from Germany). Put it in a sippy cup for you! Just don't drive, or give it to your Toddler...Going to the movies and having a giant tub of popcorn? Bring a large-style Chardonnay in a flask, like those from Burgundy (Puligny Montrachet, Meursault, Chassagne Montrachet- all Chardonnays!) Champagne works too, but harder to sneak in and open. Just don't tell anyone I told you to do it...no one likes a tattle-tits.

So here goes:

1.) Peanut Butter on apple slices- Again many Chardonnays work but I think Meursault is the best in this case. 

2.) Tacos from Taco Cabana- if you're from Texas, you've visited this fine establishment (probably at 3 am). What goes best with their tacos? White Zinfandel or a sweeter Riesling (if you're talking about Germany, look for the words Auslese, Spatlese or Kabinett, which are rough correlations to sweetness). If you're more of a queso person and just want a snack, Pinot Grigio from just about anywhere will work. Either that or some of Franzia's selections, such as Mountain Chablis...or maybe that's Almaden. Either way, it works. It's 3 am. Do you really care?

3.) White Castle burgers- See? Not just from the south. I find that if you get them with cheese, and let's be honest, why wouldn't you, then I like a Pinot Noir (maybe not a Nuits St George, but a nice Beaune Premier Cru, or a fine selection from Sonoma). 

4.) A Half-smoke- from DC. Don't knock it till you try it...then subsequently die of a heart attack. This is a special hot dog, that is juicy with meat-fat, chili and sometimes cheese. A bold Zinfandel from Lodi or a Primitivo from southern Italy are what's called for here.

5.) Ribs- Oh I love a good Cabernet in this case or maybe a Bordeaux from St. Julien or St. Estephe (contain Cabernet). I'm of course speaking of ribs with a sweet thick sauce, particularly from Texas. Don't start a debate if you're from North Carolina since you have some sort of vinegar-based weirdness. South Carolina? Not going there. Sides complicate matters, so skip those in favor of more wine. Gotta watch your calories, you know. Bourbon works too come to think of it.

6.) Kraft Macaroni and Cheese- I'm speaking here, of course, of that neon colored stuff in powder form. See above re Cheerios and sippy cup. 

7.) Seven-layer Bean Dip- don't tell me there's anything healthy about this because it contains olives. It's healthy because it has guacamole. Everyone knows Avocados are a super-food. Duh. Anyhow, because of the olives, stay away from red wines. The interaction is gross. Instead, I'd go for something fairly innocuous like, again a Pinot Grigio, preferably in large production. Nothing with decent character here to clash with the refried beans!

8.) Pizza- ok. Not always white trash, but if the crust is stuffed with cheese and is swimming in fat on cardboard, don't tell me this is necessarily quality nourishment. Maybe for your soul, yes. Chianti or any other Sangiovese-based wine like a Rosso di Montalcino is best, but sometimes a Merlot with a little body is nice. Think Napa, St. Emilion or Pomerol. If you tell me you don't drink Merlot, I'll shove a bottle down your throat. Sideways was a long time ago. Millions still drink this varietal. I've seen the numbers.

9.) Funnel Cake-Don't tell me you can pass these fried dough masses with powder sugar if you're at a fair. No one can. That's why I avoid fairs and Carnies. But, you were good by skipping sides with your ribs/turkey leg, so why not some dessert? I love Trockenbeerenauslese from Austria if I go for this coronary death trap. Eiswein works too. They won't have these at the fair most likely so you'll either have to whip out your Fry Daddy (Wait, you don't have one!? How bizarre...) or sneak these wines in. I think these folks aren't too picky on their security measures, so you're probably ok.

10.) Raisenetes- you should have some fruit, and although I think raisins don't belong with or in other foods, many enjoy these little booger-shaped treats. If eating at the movies (who buys these and eats them at home, seriously?), may I suggest again either a Zinfandel (red, yes I said red) or more of your everyday garden variety Merlot. If you're trying to pair the Champagne with the popcorn and the Zin with the chocolate covered squishiness that are Rasinetes (honestly, who eats these? I mean it), I admire your commitment so best to buy splits and half-bottles. Oh and take a cab. You're too full to go on a walk, anyhow!

I'm off to a movie. Good luck with your New Year's diet everyone!

Your Snarkiness

What bubbles to buy or 'oh sh*t, I forgot the Champagne and only have a few hours to shop on f'ing NYE!'

So you've almost made it through the gauntlet of the holidays but here's NYE. As I sit here looking at the snowfall in my Dad's mountain home, about to go cross country skiing, I think about those less fortunate then I....those drinking crap wine tonight. People tell me that Champagne makes them super-drunk...yes bubbles deliver the alcohol quicker, but suck it up champ and handle your alcohol like the grown-up you are. Plus maybe stop at one bottle...

Quick breakdown, true Champagne is made in a very specific laborious way and can only come from a  place called, yes genius, Champagne in France. Everything else is called sparkling wine. Usually comprised of three grapes, Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier and Chardonnay, the blend of acid, fine bubbles, biscuity notes from the yeast and ageing, aromas of strawberries and cider make true Champagne unbelievably amazing. That's not to say there aren't quality alternatives. There are...if it says methode champenoise, it was made in the same tradition. Not always a guarantee, but at least a short cut for you. These kinds are made everywhere...Franciacorta from Italy, sparkling from Sonoma, Argentina, Cremant from all over France (outside Champagne), Cava from Spain and Sekt from Germany, as examples. Not necessarily the same grapes as Champagne but sometimes so. Confused? No need...again, this is the good part, try different kinds to see what you like. I know, you just want me to tell you what to get. Fine...

For my favorite treats:

1.) Bollinger any and all...the house styles is like Krug, which is also fantastic, but here you're not paying Krug prices. The style is more biscuity with extended time on the yeast. I like to eat roasted chestnuts as a pairing but not from China...they come out strange once they get here. Favorite song: Ca Plane pour Moi, Plastic Bertrand. You have to dance like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club while drinking it. I represent this wine currently but loved it way before...more than $50

2.) Taittinger Compte de Rose- Beautiful acidity, gorgeous notes of roses and fresh strawberries mingled with a fine mousse. Pairing- oysters on the half shell. Make certain the oyster's are good. My grandpa used to say "I like my oysters fried, that way I know they died." Words to live by, otherwise you're calling the dinosaurs out of a taxi all the way back to Hoboken. Just sayin. More than $50

3.) Vouette et Sorbee- super hard to find but worth it if you happen upon this gem. More than $50

4.) Roederer Sparkling from California- a fantastic alternative and it's midday on NYE so what do you care? You're desperate but no worries, this is the tits for CA. Under $40

5.) Domaine Carneros- see #4. Under $40.

6.) Gruet from NM- "holy sh*t", you're thinking, "have you lost you're marbles".' You went on and on about Champagne then jumped tracks to a sparkling from New Mexico? That state's full of hippies, burn-outs and prostitutes.' It's true but this wine is really good for the price. No offense if you're from NM. Under $20

7.) Gratien and Meyer brut or Langlois Chateau Cremant rose- both amazeballs and neither are super expensive. Under $20

8.) Segura Viudas Reserva Heredad Brut Cava, Spain- I lived in Spain and think this place is Disneyland for adults. They know how to drink for f'in sure. Made from Parellada, Xarello and Macabeo plus machismo for good measure, this has an earthy component that is entirely Spanish in nature. Under $20

9.) Berlucchi Franciacorta rose or Monte Rossa Cabochon from Italy- if you happen upon a Franciacorta, treat yourself and step up from Prosecco. A good Prosecco for ten bucks is fine for breakfast but it's NYE...don't be a savage. Around $40

10.) Iron Horse Wedding Cuvée- traditional method and very elegant with a lighter body. Under $35

Going cheaper? Want big bubbles and don't want to spend more then twenty bucks?Prosecco works. Great producers are Nino Franco, Carpene Malvolti, Ruffino Prosecco or La Marca Superiore. Decent Moscato d'asti from the likes of Massolino and Michele Chiarlo are on the sweeter side. If you own tiny giraffes, wear four carat diamonds in your ear, and swim in pink diamonds, by all means, buy Louis Roederer Cristal and ruin it by mixing it with OJ. You probably own a G6 and a penthouse and have to work hard to look douchey, too. You probably don't just keep up with the Kardashians but hang out with them. No offense.

For the rest of us, happy NYE, cause I'm too lazy to type the full salutation, and want to get back to Candy Crush...

Hugs and Kisses,

Snarky

So this is what I'm drinking tonight...Suck it, you that aren't 

I Get to Drink Wine All Day! And other fallacies...

'Twas the night before Christmas eve and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except my dumb@ss. I often wake at either 1 or 2 am from stress or ironically, from a glass of wine before I go to bed. I remember some study (Dr Nancy on The Today Show, 2007? Who knows...maybe I made this up) about how drinking wine before bed can wake you back up hours later, despite helping you fall asleep initially. Ironic. Now I'm thinking how nothing is ironic in that Alanis Morrisette song...I digress. Don't tell me to drink milk either. I'm a lactard. Be sensitive.

My boyfriend is annoyed I felt the need to use flash at 2am. It's art...

The wine and spirits industry is a multi-billion dollar industry full of numbers and cases moving minute by minute. Million dollar marketing ads are tested and focused to increase awareness of brands. So when someone says, "what a fun job! You get to drink all day!" I sometimes slap them. Not hard. Calm down. 

If all we did was drink, it would be a terrible way to focus on depletions. We're racing cases to retailers at the end of the week. Distributors and wholesalers are duking it out over bringing in new wines to your state. We're working on a Saturday hand-selling bottles from a store after working all week. Hosting wine dinners at which we don't eat because we're answering your questions. Sitting in TSA lines, ready to strangle the person in front of us because they're on their phone instead of taking out their laptop and you just want to strangle them with the belt they should be taking off...whole other topic. We're getting calls on weekends, late at night, early morning. The point is, we're in sales in a huge industry not a mass drinking game. Although we'll sponsor one. Call us.

At the end of the day, my job is amazing. I've worked hard to get here, but it isn't an all day drunk fest. I'd get a DUI, sure as sh*t, while trying to drop off wine at accounts. That would be ironic, Alanis.