What bubbles to buy or 'oh sh*t, I forgot the Champagne and only have a few hours to shop on f'ing NYE!'

So you've almost made it through the gauntlet of the holidays but here's NYE. As I sit here looking at the snowfall in my Dad's mountain home, about to go cross country skiing, I think about those less fortunate then I....those drinking crap wine tonight. People tell me that Champagne makes them super-drunk...yes bubbles deliver the alcohol quicker, but suck it up champ and handle your alcohol like the grown-up you are. Plus maybe stop at one bottle...

Quick breakdown, true Champagne is made in a very specific laborious way and can only come from a  place called, yes genius, Champagne in France. Everything else is called sparkling wine. Usually comprised of three grapes, Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier and Chardonnay, the blend of acid, fine bubbles, biscuity notes from the yeast and ageing, aromas of strawberries and cider make true Champagne unbelievably amazing. That's not to say there aren't quality alternatives. There are...if it says methode champenoise, it was made in the same tradition. Not always a guarantee, but at least a short cut for you. These kinds are made everywhere...Franciacorta from Italy, sparkling from Sonoma, Argentina, Cremant from all over France (outside Champagne), Cava from Spain and Sekt from Germany, as examples. Not necessarily the same grapes as Champagne but sometimes so. Confused? No need...again, this is the good part, try different kinds to see what you like. I know, you just want me to tell you what to get. Fine...

For my favorite treats:

1.) Bollinger any and all...the house styles is like Krug, which is also fantastic, but here you're not paying Krug prices. The style is more biscuity with extended time on the yeast. I like to eat roasted chestnuts as a pairing but not from China...they come out strange once they get here. Favorite song: Ca Plane pour Moi, Plastic Bertrand. You have to dance like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club while drinking it. I represent this wine currently but loved it way before...more than $50

2.) Taittinger Compte de Rose- Beautiful acidity, gorgeous notes of roses and fresh strawberries mingled with a fine mousse. Pairing- oysters on the half shell. Make certain the oyster's are good. My grandpa used to say "I like my oysters fried, that way I know they died." Words to live by, otherwise you're calling the dinosaurs out of a taxi all the way back to Hoboken. Just sayin. More than $50

3.) Vouette et Sorbee- super hard to find but worth it if you happen upon this gem. More than $50

4.) Roederer Sparkling from California- a fantastic alternative and it's midday on NYE so what do you care? You're desperate but no worries, this is the tits for CA. Under $40

5.) Domaine Carneros- see #4. Under $40.

6.) Gruet from NM- "holy sh*t", you're thinking, "have you lost you're marbles".' You went on and on about Champagne then jumped tracks to a sparkling from New Mexico? That state's full of hippies, burn-outs and prostitutes.' It's true but this wine is really good for the price. No offense if you're from NM. Under $20

7.) Gratien and Meyer brut or Langlois Chateau Cremant rose- both amazeballs and neither are super expensive. Under $20

8.) Segura Viudas Reserva Heredad Brut Cava, Spain- I lived in Spain and think this place is Disneyland for adults. They know how to drink for f'in sure. Made from Parellada, Xarello and Macabeo plus machismo for good measure, this has an earthy component that is entirely Spanish in nature. Under $20

9.) Berlucchi Franciacorta rose or Monte Rossa Cabochon from Italy- if you happen upon a Franciacorta, treat yourself and step up from Prosecco. A good Prosecco for ten bucks is fine for breakfast but it's NYE...don't be a savage. Around $40

10.) Iron Horse Wedding Cuvée- traditional method and very elegant with a lighter body. Under $35

Going cheaper? Want big bubbles and don't want to spend more then twenty bucks?Prosecco works. Great producers are Nino Franco, Carpene Malvolti, Ruffino Prosecco or La Marca Superiore. Decent Moscato d'asti from the likes of Massolino and Michele Chiarlo are on the sweeter side. If you own tiny giraffes, wear four carat diamonds in your ear, and swim in pink diamonds, by all means, buy Louis Roederer Cristal and ruin it by mixing it with OJ. You probably own a G6 and a penthouse and have to work hard to look douchey, too. You probably don't just keep up with the Kardashians but hang out with them. No offense.

For the rest of us, happy NYE, cause I'm too lazy to type the full salutation, and want to get back to Candy Crush...

Hugs and Kisses,

Snarky

So this is what I'm drinking tonight...Suck it, you that aren't 

I Get to Drink Wine All Day! And other fallacies...

'Twas the night before Christmas eve and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except my dumb@ss. I often wake at either 1 or 2 am from stress or ironically, from a glass of wine before I go to bed. I remember some study (Dr Nancy on The Today Show, 2007? Who knows...maybe I made this up) about how drinking wine before bed can wake you back up hours later, despite helping you fall asleep initially. Ironic. Now I'm thinking how nothing is ironic in that Alanis Morrisette song...I digress. Don't tell me to drink milk either. I'm a lactard. Be sensitive.

My boyfriend is annoyed I felt the need to use flash at 2am. It's art...

The wine and spirits industry is a multi-billion dollar industry full of numbers and cases moving minute by minute. Million dollar marketing ads are tested and focused to increase awareness of brands. So when someone says, "what a fun job! You get to drink all day!" I sometimes slap them. Not hard. Calm down. 

If all we did was drink, it would be a terrible way to focus on depletions. We're racing cases to retailers at the end of the week. Distributors and wholesalers are duking it out over bringing in new wines to your state. We're working on a Saturday hand-selling bottles from a store after working all week. Hosting wine dinners at which we don't eat because we're answering your questions. Sitting in TSA lines, ready to strangle the person in front of us because they're on their phone instead of taking out their laptop and you just want to strangle them with the belt they should be taking off...whole other topic. We're getting calls on weekends, late at night, early morning. The point is, we're in sales in a huge industry not a mass drinking game. Although we'll sponsor one. Call us.

At the end of the day, my job is amazing. I've worked hard to get here, but it isn't an all day drunk fest. I'd get a DUI, sure as sh*t, while trying to drop off wine at accounts. That would be ironic, Alanis.

More On Idiots at Consumer Tastings

A long time colleague of mine, who we will call Barrel-Head Fred, said that I missed a few points on my post regarding Mass Consumer Tasting Etiquette. Ala David Allen Coe in "You Never Even Called Me By My Name," I felt obliged to include it here...

1.) Don't wear perfume to a wine tasting.  We can smell you as soon as you walk in the door.  Wonder why the gentleman next to you thinks his Cabernet smells like flowers?  It's because you reak and you probably just cost me a sale.  Go away and wash yourself!

2.) Don't ask me questions regarding wine when clearly you don't even know what your asking.  Yeah I get it, you're trying to be cool and attempt to be knowledgeable about wine, but you're a schmuck.  If you have a realistic question,  ask away, as I am happy to answer.  There isn't a wine person out there that wouldn't take every minute they can to tell you about their wine, and about wine in general to a person that is genuinely interested, and really wants to learn more.  "Is this wine gravity fed?  Because I can taste the difference between gravity fed and basket pressed"  Oh can you now? 'Thats quite impressive. So Sir, why are you at this tasting? Its obvious to me your pallet is in the pedigree of the MW's of the world.' And if you're a MW (Master of Wine for you nubes out there) then you would definitely not be here. You be at the bar drinking martini's.  Now go away!

3.) "Whats the best wine on the table??"  The one I will pour you is the one I don't like and is the one that no one else is drinking, and its the wine I am going to leave on the table when I am done with this event.  Or better yet give to the homeless wino out side.  Guaranteed he don't care what wine it is.  

4.) "I'll have the cab" so says you without first looking to see what's on the table.  I say " which one, I have 5 on the table"   he says "whichever one is the best" Refer to rule #3

5.)- I could care less about your wine stories  I have heard them all, unless your buying 5 cases, move on down the line sir.

Hugs and Kisses,

Barrel-Head Fred

Well said my friend...

Who you callin' a Ho, Fatman?

Wines for Christmas 

Well, it depends on what your cooking, how much you drink while cooking, how bad your cooking is and how much needs to be drunk to cover the taste...
My standard answer is Bourbon because it's high in alcohol and will make you forget how crazy your family is making you. Plus it's a fast answer and gets people away from me quickly; however, since I'm writing this out, I'd figure I'd take a little more time.
If you're of the slow roast or prime rib variety, I'd recommend a Cabernet with a good tannin level (that drying feeling in your teeth that works so well with cow fat), a Barolo, Barbaresco, Chianti or Brunello. Need me to just tell you what to buy? Ok, here are several wines of different price points and from different regions*:

1. Le Macchiole Bolgheri Rosso
2. Gaja Brunello
3. Stonestreet Cabernet Suavignon
4. Chimney Rock Elevage
5. Massolino Barolo
6. Grappone Mazzi
7. Finca Villacreces Pruno
8. Domaine de Courcel Les Rugiens Pommard Premier Cru (really if you stick with Pommard, Volnay, Nuits St George, over $20 you'll probably be ok unless it looks like it's been in the window front of a store where wine goes to die)

* Spoiler alert, these wines are mostly all full bodied, high to med tannins with complex fruit structures 

Are you some sort of weirdo freak that goes with ham at the holidays? Ok well there's not much hope for you but here goes:

1. Albert Seltz Reisling
2. Lagler Gruner Veltliner (any- they're all awesome and if you can tell the difference, then you're a Master Somm and why are you reading a how-to?)
3. Mischief and Mayhem Chablis
4. La Crema Chardonnay
5. Chanson Puligny Montrachet
6. Bollinger Grande Annee Rose
7. Domaine Albert Morot Beaune Bressandes (Go with this if you're smoking the ham)

Now, if you stick with the aforementioned regions you should be good, but if you're still in doubt, get egg nog and add tons of whiskey.

Sincerely,

Snarky the Grinch

Mass Consumer Tasting Etiquette

  I'm writing this to help you, the reader, but also after over a decade, myself and my colleagues have had it. There are just things that you should not do at a tasting and I'm going to tell you right now what they are. You're welcome.

  Do NOT ask to 'fill 'er up.' You paid a nominal fee that usually goes to some charity and the wine's been donated by the winery, you cheap bastard. There are hundreds of wines at these tent tastings, so here's your chance to try a bunch. At a restaurant, you pay on average, ten dollars for one glass of wine and you want me to top you off? You could literally drink bottles-worth, effectively drowning yourself in alcohol! Know this...I might smile at your face and politely ask you to limit the pour so everyone else around you can try this one wine out of a billion present on this day, but the second you turn around, we're all calling you an @sshole. Sure as shit. I can speak for everyone on this point.

  Also, don't continue to raise your glass higher and higher as my arm tries to match you. After a hundred people have come by this becomes an unnecessary workout in the absurd. I know you're trying to help, bless your little heart, but as trained professionals, it's our job to avoid touching the bottle to your glass.

  The next one is more of a fashion tip. Don't wear those neck loops that hold your glass and hang on your chest. You look like a jackass. It's the equivalent of going to the store wearing a Snuggie. Sure it might be functional, but c'mon. Just carry the thing.

  My colleague, who I'm consulting as I write this, wants me to add the following...do NOT ask 'gimme your best wine' or 'which of these wines is the best' or worst of all 'what do you have under the table that you're hiding.' How do I know what you like? They're all good  or donated and therefore free to you, for the most part. Try a sip, and if you don't like it, pour it out and move on. You're not buying a house here. This isn't a marriage proposal. Also, it's like asking me if you'll like chicken or pasta. How the f@ck should I know and the comparison is as unsimilar and unrelated. Finally, if I'm hiding something under the table, I applaud your attempt to get it but I promise you, if I'm hiding something by definition, I don't want it to be found.

99% of the time at these massive sh$t shows, what you see is what you get.

  Last point...there's food available at these events for a reason. You're here to taste and maybe get your drink on, a little bit, but not to see if you can crawl away puking as you go out the tent past security. Eat the food, sip the wine, and move along.

Sincerely,

Ninja and Spirited Sicilian

Stabbing People with a Fork

I've heard there's no such thing as a stupid question. That's bullsh*t. Why? Most people are idiots and logic follows cannot form an intelligent question, unless by accident. "Is there a point to this you ask?" Maybe. I think so.

My least favorite question is when I host a wine dinner and someone asks me, " what's your favorite wine?" I always say "whiskey" and walk away. Am I an @sshole? Probably. But c'mon! It's like asking what my favorite food is. Why do you care? The best wine is the one you like the most. It's the one that appeals to your taste buds and wallet in a harmonious dance from which you walk away feeling good, instead of taking it up the tailpipe.

The other stupid question is "what score did this wine get?" What does that matter? Can you tell the difference between someone's 'A' and 'A+'? If so why are you reading this? How do you know you have the same taste in wine as the judge of wines? Who is the judge of wines? Why so many questions? (Tiny angry fist in the sky.)

Anyhow, if you come to a tasting with either of these questions, know you'll probably end up with a fork in your face.

You've been warned.

Why the Snarkiness?

I started this blog and the subsequent page that this is linked to (www.snarkywineninja.com) because despite all of the publications out there, people still ask me all the time, "what wine should I get with this meal?" Do I want to be helpful? Not particularly. I don't even really like people as most of you know, which is why I moved near New York City...to be surrounded by millions who never make eye contact and leave me alone. No, I started this to answer the questions that some of these major wine magazines don't seem to be addressing.

 I love Food and Wine magazine. I think Decanter is fabulous, as well, and not because I'm trying to score points with the Brits. I already lost them with my vernacular in sentence one. Some of the other magazines out there focus on ratings and flowery prose yet still don't help people find what they like. People who have more to do then study ratings all day, i.e., doctors, nurses, teachers... Maybe a wine received 100 points but is dark and dense in fruit and high in alcohol. Does that mean the proverbial 'you' will like it? Not necessarily, and for sure no guarantees that it will go along with your mac and cheese surprise or lemon chicken.

Also, I'm not narcissistic enough to think I'll have all the answers, just enough that I'll do most of the writing. Periodically, I'll have ghost writers jumping in with some of the funnier stories that accompany the bullsh*t in this business. I'll also be reviewing wines with a very simple, acid, alcohol, fruit and complexity scale that can be quickly looked at and reviewed for making decisions on your own! 

If you don't mind sarcasm and snark, then I hope what's to follow is helpful and maybe makes you laugh just enough to pee yourself.

Sincerely,
The Snarky Wine Ninja
www.snarkywineninja.com