My Homage to Martha

I woke up this morning late after a night of debauchery at the casino. I thought I should do something wholesome to counterbalance my bacchanalian evening. I decided Dan felt like it too so off we went for the corn maze. We got there and it seemed like a lot of work hungover. He asked if we couldn't just get a pumpkin and call it a day. It didn't take much for me to cave as he reminded me the Packers played at one. First though, I thought we should take the dog on a hike through the falling leaves. An hour later after getting lost, we headed back. 

Now, the Sicilian loves pumpkin pies, and since I'm such an a@@hat for making him kind of go to a corn maze, I decided I'd buy two pumpkins at that market: one for carving what will be a ridiculously bad-looking decoration and the other for making a pie out of scratch. Ambitious right? Exactly. Dumb as f*ck considering they sell cans of this sh*t or pies already made.

So I'm not going into the recipe for you. Use your Google machine like a normal person. I will show you pictures though, to inspire confidence. You can do it, sure, but it takes wayyyy longer than if you were to just purchase the damned thing pre-made. Three hours later and a lot of f*cking swearing, these little bastards were ready. I mean, I even did the crusts from scratch. 

Let me tell you, Dan was ecstatic and the Packers won so I guess it was a good day.

Not to be wasteful by the way, I roasted the seeds with olive oil and salt so Dan could eat. I forgot to feed him during all of this and he's helpless without me.

What's my point? Oh yeah...this is amazing with spiked cider, Pure Cider, or Possman's cider. We bought apple cider at the harvest farm area and of course added some trusty Busted Barrel Rum on the hike. I mean at home. We drank spiked cider at home. You know what? Shut up. We were hungover. What did you do today?

Anyway, the Broncos game is about to start so I gotta go. Also I'm too drunk to write anything else.

Fall and Queso Dip

The leaves are changing color here in the North East, football is in the air, and I'm reminded once again about what's most important...queso dip, and selling as many cases as I can for the next few months so I don't starve in January. That's not entirely true, I also care that nothing happens to Jordy Nelson or Payton Manning.

Statistically, 50% of wine sales (totally made up) are done in three months, affectionately known as OND. Although I don't know who in the wine business has anything but contempt for the holidays. I've been clocking 8-12 miles a day working the market. My Achilles' tendon is so swollen I need a third shoe for it. The distributors are overwhelmed because a thousand wineries are asking them to sell more. A little squeaky sh*t like me gets put in a  proverbial time out. The sommeliers and retailers try their best to accommodate us. Either that or hide when they see wine bags rolling in. For me, right now, it's do or...watch my company fail and move back in with my parents. I could also have a nervous breakdown and check myself into a psyche ward for a break. Neither sounds appealing.

When someone (my cousin Alex) says how great it is to start hearing Christmas music in September, I want to slap them (her.) All it is to me is a countdown to either my success or my moving into the elevator at the 33rd street station (by far the cleanest.) Oh sure, I love Christmas Day, carving pumpkins and ice skating in Rockefeller center, but I won't have time to celebrate until January 2nd. This makes what the rest of you are enjoying while we suffer, rude. 

I'm just kidding (no I'm not.)

Anyhow, that brings me back to queso dip. On my "weekends", when I'm sending emails to buyers, who will probably ignore my request to seeing them the following week, I can also watch football and eat fattening queso. In this way, I'll have something to work off next Spring for bikini season and at the same time feed, rather than actually address, my emotions. So repeats the circle of life. 

In the spirit of giving, here is my queso recipe (basically from the box):

1.) one can of Rotel

2.) one package of Velveeta "cheese"

3.) a splash of cheap beer 

Add ingredients together in a crockpot or Le Crueset and heat on low, stirring so as not to burn the dish. Drink the rest of the beer. Shovel hot dip into your face with corn tortilla chips. Drink another beer.

The pairing works beautifully but if you don't want to guzzle more beer, riesling or a rosé works as well. A good apple cider that's spiked like Possman's, is both festive and appropriate for fall. 

You're welcome.

Fallen Leaves- don't judge my work. I'm not a photographer 

Importing Wine

My web designer, incidentally my sister, reminded me that I needed to write June's blog. I don't want to disappoint all five of my fans nor incur the wrath of my sister. If you've ever seen her first thing in the morning, you'd understand. My other sister (who's currently reading this for errors in grammar) and I coined the term "bitchface" from these early morning terror attacks on our breakfast. I think she's really lovely other times of the day but I'm not willing to test this theory. Here goes...

So you had this wine in Europe and it was amazing. "Why can't I get it here" you ask? Well, I suspect it was probably made more awesome due to the fact that you were on vacation sitting at the Plaza Mayor in Madrid eating enough Chorizo to give you the meat sweats. Same goes for Italy, where everyone stuffs Prosciutto or Wild Boar straight into your mouth the second you set foot off the airplane. So that's not to say that the wine you had wasn't really great but there's more to this process then picking a wine you like...

Anyhow, I've just signed on a few wineries that I'm bringing to the US from Italy to start my importing venture. It's not as easy as you'd think but I make this look good. First, you have to research what's selling in tremendous volumes and NOT buy that. For example picking up a California Chardonnay and trying to enter the market with it right now would be dumb as sh*t. Why? Because if you haven't been riding that train for a decade don't try and jump on it now. The other passengers already on board will throw your stupid a@@ right off, back the train up, flatten you then ride back forward over your head to finish you off. This is a several billion dollar legal drug-trade folks not a bake sale.

So, I picked the Colli Orientali to start because it's gaining speed in the US but has not achieved Chardonnay-levels in volume and has cool-a@@ varietals like Friulano. Next I had to find someone not in the US that made amazing wines that local Italians respected. Enter Paolo Valle. He's won over 400 gold medals and has sold out every vintage, exporting everywhere except the US. Winner! Now I need to convince him I'm the importer for him and to give me some wine, but there's one problem...he speaks no English and I speak no Italian. This is where having an Italian guido on call comes in handy. I dragged my bf on this trip in need of a translator, lying that we were simply going on vacation. Honestly I don't know why he stays with me. He did his duty, Valle signed with me and we bid farewell and headed for Tuscany. My other sister, brother-in-law, and nephew from Belgium met us for moral support and I suspect, free wine. I forced them all to taste for research in need of the lay person's opinion, thereby weeding out very good wineries but that my entourage underestimated in cost. My nephew was there mostly to keep me company, acquire a taste for gelato, olive oil and wild boar. He's not even 2 yet, but is the most amazing baby and I need him for moral support. I spoil the sh*t out of him now in the hopes that he'll visit me in the home when I'm pooping myself...like in five years most likely.

Anyhow, we finally found a Chianti to bring back to the states. Yes there are tons of Chiantis but not one's of the caliber I wanted. This was the best Chianti Classico Riserva I'd ever had. The only problem is that it would be the most expensive one out on the market by like $30 a bottle. I'm a good salesperson but I'm no miracle worker. Jesus can turn water into wine but I can't sell a $70 bottle of Chianti if I had a gun to my head. We spent days convincing this guy to lower his price over many espressos, and almost lost the contract from misunderstandings in translations and my nephew eating all of their cheesecake. It was good cheesecake and because he's perfect, I wasn't upset. The winery agreed and I left Italy, and my family to conquer the US. Next step though, was to get the wine into the US past the concrete-like waters of the TTB and convince first, distributors, then accounts to buy it, or as I call it, a royal pain in the dick. I'd rather get my right ovary removed with a spoon then deal with the paperwork the alcohol division requires for importing wine. I may have mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating as it is the bane of my existence. But more on step 100 through 5000 of my exciting journey soon. I'm late for my high school reunion to see how old we've all gotten and catch up on 20 years of gossip. All girl's school so it'll be a ton...

Happy Cinco de Mayo...or Why the F@ck Did I start my Own Business?

So it's Cinco de Mayo and naturally I'm watching a hockey game from an Irish Pub in Hoboken. It's amateur night at the Mexican joints, so...pass. I'm close enough to my apartment right now that I get wifi from here and my favorite pizza place delivers. It's the ultimate in laziness. I'm justifying my actions by writing this blog. I'm working.

Anyhow, what's my point? I've started my own business. Did I tell you that? Well I did. If you're thinking about it, I would suggest taking up a fishing business in Spain instead. Maybe pottery? A second language? I'm somewhat ambitious so I went the other way. No, the blog isn't my business but my fun pastime to release my creativity and spew nonsense to a somewhat captive audience. I either have three fans that have read my blog a thousand times, or a thousand people that have read it three times. I'd like to hope the latter but I'm guessing it's somewhere in between. Thanks anyway.

What do I do other then this stupid sh@t, you ask? How kind. Well I started an importer/broker. Basically I work all the time, have gone blind with government paperwork, and make no one happy. It's awesome. My baby...a foul-mouthed, demanding, money-draining full-time bastard baby. There's no father.  I look forward to the weekends so I can do paperwork uninterrupted. It's super-pathetic. Anyhow, you may still be asking me, " Snarky" (we're not that close that you get to call me by my first name), " how do you go about starting your own broker and importer?"  I would reply that you're either brain dead or a glutton for punishment. If you still want to know here goes.

1.) Study wine and business for so many years that you hate it. All of it, but pretend you're still passionate. Also move to different territories every two years.

2.) Your boss tells you what to do for the last time and you quit.

3.) Your cable bill shows up on your email (you still get a paper bill? Do you rollerblade to work too? What an a@@- JK! Keep reading!) and you don't want to miss Game of Thrones. You've invested too much time.

4.) Start getting your FBI fingerprints now. That sh*t takes forever.

5.) Call the TTB or (insert your State's) local alcohol government bureau roughly a month before you want to start. You'll be on hold at least that long and probably get hung-up on a few times, or transferred to the Real Estate division. They sent me a survey recently asking how they were doing and I told them I hate them.

6.) Don't tell the TTB you hate them

7.) Pester the sh*t out of distributors, your former clients, and everyone that said they'd totally support you. They'll be really busy but you'll hear from them. No worries! They said they like supporting the little guy and that's you! (or me in this example)

8.) Have a lot of money or sell everything. Get rid of cable. You can pirate off of your local Starbucks. Sell your car. Take up praying if you didn't before. Also maybe default on all your credit cards. The dragons have to win out on Game of Thrones anyway. Don't they?!?

9.) Fill out more government paperwork once a state picks up your wine

10.) Learn another language to start acquiring wineries. I recommend soap operas. Or date an Italian.

11.) Write the TTB a nice note.

12.) Eat Ramen

Well, someone hit said car that I'm trying to sell today so I need to call insurance. Also a bird crapped on it, so I need to rewash. I'm great! So happy! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh......

USA vs France

Here's a perspective from a friend and colleague on their recent travels in France  from the view of an American Somm...

The Sommelier, the Somm, the wine expert, that person who knows wine.  Whatever you want to call us we are everywhere. This was my first trip back to Europe since turning to a career in wine.   After two weeks in France and 3 Three Michelin starred restaurants later, I have come to the conclusion, France and the US are nothing alike, at least on the wine side (other than we both have a love of fermented grape juice.)  In the U,S we are trying our best to get rid of the intimidating feel of the sommelier. No longer do you have to tell someone how to pronounce soh-mel-yay (then repeat it 5 times, then when they finally say to you “So-mel-lee-er?” you just nod your head and say perfect), but we are now just Somms. No tuxedos for us, a nice suit will do. And the wine list; yes, we are all in competition for having the biggest selection, most vintages and obscure wines in a book, but the list can be held without you feeling like a child.  Look at the 3 photos of me with the wine list.  I have guests complain about 27 pages, imagine if I were to pass you one of those tomes.  

The worst to me and my biggest no-no on the floor, is an elbow in the face. We are taught open hand service, if you cannot pour from the right side of the guest, then pour from the left with your left hand. My poor sister at one of the meals, who had the corner seat where the wall was directly to her right, kept having to duck to avoid getting knocked out. This happened in every restaurant.

All three restaurants of course had tasting menus, but no pairings offered.  When we did ask to have a pairing at our final and most famous restaurant, it was charged by the glass, my memory at looking at the bill (yes, the most expensive meal to date) is seeing 2 glasses at 44 euros each, 88 additional euros for 2 courses (he paired with every two as there were 12 courses)…but there were others in the 40’s as well. We had 6 wines and a glass of champagne each.

Actually my biggest complaint was when we did the pairing.  Throughout the meal, the Sommelier assigned to our table would show my husband the wine then try to walk away, he actually cupped the wine in arm to not show me.  I am trying to this day to not take it personally, but it happened every time…I have never seen a presentation like that before, especially since I hold the bottle like Vanna White displaying a tile on Wheel of Fortune. This is the modern era, women are winemakers andconnoisseurs now.  But this isn’t a rambling on feminist rights, itwas just flat out annoying and disrespectful. And yes, my loving husband did send the sommelier to me saying I was the one who knew wine, but it made no difference.

But my most special moment; they drip wine too!  It happens, and I curse under my breath every time it does, but wine was dripped on the table at Three Michelin starred restaurants, and they didn’t seem to care.  I still may quietly curse when it happens to me, but I feel better knowing that the “best of the best” do it too.

Though I would never give back the chance to eat in those delicious precise restaurants, and I would go back to all of them in a second, especially on someone else’s dime, it is one of the few times I am happy to say I work in the USA in this industry.  We have surprisingly high expectations for ourselves and do what we can for a most proper but not pretentious service.

Sincerely,

Pandora the Explora'

February 14th or the Most Ridiculous Holiday Hallmark Created

My Dad always made Valentine's day special by giving my sisters and I a little box of chocolates. Every man has failed to live up to the sentiment until just now. Last year was the worst ever but luckily that jacka@@ is gone...I'm dating my best friend now, so he knows how low the bar is set. He surprised me by giving me chocolates, flowers and is cooking dinner. Jackpot. Don't hate me though...I've had decades of crappy dates on this stupid holiday so be nice.

Is it men's fault though that they never live up to the hype? I blame CVS, Whitman's chocolate and Hallmark. The heads of those companies got together one day and said, "there's a serious lag in sales from Christmas to Easter. Let's get together and seriously rape the American public!" Later as it grew, Zales got involved, the Moonies and their roses and restaurants as well. It's so commercialized and overblown. Unless you're planning on chartering a plane to Napa to rent a hot-air balloon to sail over vineyards while dripping something expensive over your cherished one, consider whatever you have planned an epic fail. For crying out loud, I saw an add for a six foot teddy bear. I would punch someone in the jewels if that creepy thing showed up on my doorstep.  Where has our sense of reality gone?

Restaurants are also an experience commesnurate with Dante's Seven Hells today. They're slammed with couples and need to push you out for the next miserable couple to make their reservation and ensure a 'magical night.' It's no picnic for either side. Most of the people attending have no regular dining experience, don't tip nor understand the torture of waiting tables and of course, are clueless on picking out a wine. It's amateur night so I avoid it like the Ebola virus.

May I suggest an alternative? Go to the store and buy a nice bottle of wine. Get food to go from a deli or restaurant, or cook yourself. Pass on the romantic movie that comes out on Valentines day. It's crap for sure and is pandering to the hopes of some unrealistic love affair unraveling in our own lives. We're better than that y'all. What's a nice gift or gesture? Maybe a coupon for a back rub, or to clean the toilet. That would be magical.

If you're single, treat yourself to a lovely evening...Grill a steak, rent a movie and have a bubble bath. Add a bottle of wine and you're good to go. 

Happy VDay either way. I'm going to eat steak and drink a bottle of Massolino Barolo.                                                                         

Super Bowl and Super Pairings

It's that magical time of year when we've passed the craziness of the holidays and can finally sit down and enjoy our friends and/or family... The SuperBowl. This year the thirty-something...forty eighth?...I've forgotten my Roman numerals (sorry Montessori!) is brought to you by the NFL, Visa and Budlight. This is taking place in NJ, so of course, Broadway is shutdown in Manhattan, 15 miles away. The BudLight floating hotel is docked, ready for people to puke right into the Hudson. I'll be at a casino nowhere near either in case you're wondering. I left NYC this morning as it was already past insane. If you've never driven to this area before, now is not the time to start. Get a cab for crying out loud.

There are other things to consider as most of us can't afford to spend $1600 for a ticket in the nosebleed section at the MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford. What to eat and drink are certainly the most important decisions and to make matters easier for you, I've made some recommendations:

1.) Queso Dip- this is critical to any serious party and if you read last week's post, there was a Velveeta rumor that they would run out. Thankfully, there seems to be plenty. They're liars but whatever. Pair with an IPA, rum and coke,  Long Island Ice Tea, or a Chardonnay (Bourgogne blanc, Sonoma.) If you like it spicey, go with Riesling. Pinot Grigio works as long as it's mass-produced and not very interesting. The same can be said for guacamole. Not that it can be mass-produced but that it can go with the same style innocuous Pinot Grigio. And no, I will not give you my Guac recipe, Katie. Sorry, it's sacred.

2.) Wings- buffalo and spicey. There are no others. My blog, my view. Chardonnay, Zinfandel, rum and coke, vodka tonic, or Riesling will be fabulous. Do not go Chablis on the Chardonnay or the acid and spice will annihilate your tongue, and if you're lucky you'll need it every time your favorite team scores. Which in this case should be the Broncos.

3.) Burgers, Brats or Hot Dogs- Merlot (yes, Merlot!!!), Pinot Noir (Bourgogne rouge, Sonoma, Spatburgunder), Zweigelt (excuse me!), rum and coke, tequila sunrise, an IPA, Salty Dog...you know what? Just about anything works here. I'll be drinking whisky, whiskey (look it up- they're different) or Armagnac but I'm a snobby little sh*t and have a drinking problem.

4.) Chips and Salsa- Riesling, Bartles and James (if they still make it), and any cocktail that's void of cola because it tastes like a@@ with salsa. 

5.) Chili- and by this I don't mean that cinnamon-laced bullsh*t they make in Cincinnati. The Bengals aren't in it this year so who cares, or ever. An amber beer, Syrah, Cabernet, a weighty Pinot Noir from Oregon or the Cotes de Nuits, Bourbon, Armagnac, or an aged Rum. Don't go for shots of white rum or you'll be calling the Porcelain gods with answers of chili and said rum. Sip something good as this is a special holiday.

That's it...if you say to me, "what about my buddy's special dip?" I would respond that I don't know and could care less. These are the five things you should worry about pairing. If you start adding chips, ranch dip and various other sides, whatever mass-produced crap beer you've bought is fine. And if some douche bag says you've paired your ranch dip with the wrong wine, get rid of him and get a new friend. If it's a family member, move and change your number because they sound horrible.

Crisis and a Good Stiff Drink

I was watching the news today, which usually causes me to freak the 'f' out. The crisis in Syria, scandals with greedy-bastard CEOs, Danes murdering Pilot Whales, etc...but what really has me concerned is the announcement regarding the recent shortage of Velveeta. The Broncos (and some other team) are going to the Super Bowl in a short week and the country may run out of this processed "cheese." It's not like you can melt real cheese and add Rotel! That sh*t clumps for Pete's sake! Anyway, I got hungry and subsequently distracted from my fear. It's freezing outside and so I started rummaging through my Zombie-contingency stash of canned food. You don't have one? Zombies will happen so best be prepared! I have a machete too so don't even think you can come for my food!

I digress...I had mayo, eggs and bread in addition to the cans, ergo, egg salad it was. No use breaking into the stash. You never know when the outbreak will occur. Now, wine works as a pairing but what's better? Rum and diet coke. My mixologist friends are screaming right now, "use rose bitters and mollify some strawberries with that sh*t!" I love the rebirth of cool cocktails into our lives but not at breakfast. Simple and fast was what I needed. Being that I just started to represent Busted Barrel from New Jersey I felt I should go that route. The problem is I had no diet coke but I did have one ginger beer, which aids in digestion and is amazeballs with rum. A plan was coming together and my day was off to a good start. I was listening to the Outfield's "Your Love" and dancing in the kitchen when I realized something. I've planned for Zombies but not the Velveeta shortage. Now what? I started calling my local and closest stores and guess what? They all had Velveeta. I smell marketing wizadry at work, nevertheless, I will go out tomorrow and get some. I just hope it's not too late. 

Well, I know you're all pulling for me so stay tuned. Next post will either be "Crisis Averted" or "Pairing Chips and Nothing for the Super Bowl." Oh yeah, and I hope the escalating tensions in Syria are resolved too.

Women in the Wine business: Biggest Ally or Biggest Foe

It smells particularly ripe in Newark today. I'm sitting here waiting to get my fingerprints done for my broker's license, trying to identify the smell and I think it's just the city. Rain sometimes brings this rotten-cabbage odor out, which is why I hate rainy days in Northern New Jersey. It's not cleansing. It's foul. You may be asking yourself what this has to do with women in the wine business. Nothing, but I thought I'd share.

Anyhow, while sitting here, I was chatting with a wonderful woman from India, a grandmother in fact. More then I cared to know but ok. She asked why I was getting printed and I told her that I was starting my own business selling alcohol. She told me kindly that if I fall, I need to get up and keep going. There's no staying on the ground. That was it but so nice. Normally, I'm not one for the gushy cat-poster-inspirational chats but this time it stuck. Plus after fighting traffic, waiting for hours, only to get turned away by the evil bastards at the independent fingerprinting agency, her words were fitting, and as it turns out, appropriately timed. I'm more surprised by kind words from people that I run into then not, so it got me thinking about the other rough spots in the biz (I tied it together, see?)

Often in this industry, I'm in the minority in the boardroom if not the only woman. I'm grabbed by buyers who think they've been given a doll to play with (you know who you are!) Reps and accounts ask me out or flirt with me uncomfortably when I'm just trying to do my d@mned job. I can handle all of that with grace, humor and sometimes a kick to the man-jewels. What really bugs me the most, though, are other women that cut me and each other down. Wtf?!?! Ladies, there's plenty of hurdles to getting to the top for us without hamstringing one another. Being a malicious little backstabber is truly unnecessary and gross. Think you're winning points with your male counterparts? Nope, you've just knocked yourself down a peg. I've asked. Here's an example. There was this company I worked for once where a woman told my boss, several other employees and my distributor that I was acting strange and to some, that she smelled alcohol on my breath...at a wine tasting!!! Grow up. Supposedly this was out of concern but why go to multiple people? Go to me first. Oh wait, she did and I explained the following, and she still went around "helping me." A natural disaster had just hit and I was nervous about the event going well, since power was still out in many places. Plus, in a hurry, I made the bowel-destroying decision to eat a hot dog. The point is, there's enough drama in the world, stop creating it. Oh and it was a wine tasting. Everyone's breath had alcohol on it. When I talked to her about it she told me there are double standards in this business. Well stop making them worse!

Another example is a superior at another company tried to get me to sell the wines on her side of the book when I had other priorities and directives. Unsatisfied with me telling her this, she went over my boss's boss to tattle. What a brat. Because she was friends with the higher ups, I was trapped. She was hated for this repeated behavior by many. Then we had a cage match, I put her in a sleeper hold and won the title. We had to call in reinforcements and put yellow crime tape around us after it was all said and done.

Now some of my most cherished mentors are women, so I'm not a hater. I support all people in the biz that aren't morons. If you're a female cretin, I can't stand you as much as your idiotic male counterpart. We should all be supportive of co-workers that are smart and hard-working no matter the sex. God only knows the amount of dipshits we encounter no matter who they are.

My point is that it's hard enough to break through the proverbial glass ceiling, fighting in pissing contests all the way with the big-swinging...well you know, that the last thing we need is infighting and materialized drama. Keep that energy for more important things, like your girlfriends and how tacky they can be. 

White Trash Food Pairings

I'm sitting here listening to Toby Keith and naturally, I started thinking about my favorite white trash snack as a kid. It was a mayo sandwich on white "bread" (who knows if actual grains were involved), and Velveeta cheez slices, paired with an ice cold Dr. Pepper. That's when all of this started. The moment when I realized certain beverages go well with certain foods, that is to say. Now, I know you're thinking that white trash is relegated to the South and that's wrong on so many levels. Yes you were thinking it. I know when you're lying...your eyes start blinking, so don't start. No, everywhere you find a Walmart, you can find truly crap food. Some of my following suggestions can work in many situations. Find a Cheerio under the car seat, Moms? I recommend a nice somewhat dry Riesling (Halbtrocken if from Germany). Put it in a sippy cup for you! Just don't drive, or give it to your Toddler...Going to the movies and having a giant tub of popcorn? Bring a large-style Chardonnay in a flask, like those from Burgundy (Puligny Montrachet, Meursault, Chassagne Montrachet- all Chardonnays!) Champagne works too, but harder to sneak in and open. Just don't tell anyone I told you to do it...no one likes a tattle-tits.

So here goes:

1.) Peanut Butter on apple slices- Again many Chardonnays work but I think Meursault is the best in this case. 

2.) Tacos from Taco Cabana- if you're from Texas, you've visited this fine establishment (probably at 3 am). What goes best with their tacos? White Zinfandel or a sweeter Riesling (if you're talking about Germany, look for the words Auslese, Spatlese or Kabinett, which are rough correlations to sweetness). If you're more of a queso person and just want a snack, Pinot Grigio from just about anywhere will work. Either that or some of Franzia's selections, such as Mountain Chablis...or maybe that's Almaden. Either way, it works. It's 3 am. Do you really care?

3.) White Castle burgers- See? Not just from the south. I find that if you get them with cheese, and let's be honest, why wouldn't you, then I like a Pinot Noir (maybe not a Nuits St George, but a nice Beaune Premier Cru, or a fine selection from Sonoma). 

4.) A Half-smoke- from DC. Don't knock it till you try it...then subsequently die of a heart attack. This is a special hot dog, that is juicy with meat-fat, chili and sometimes cheese. A bold Zinfandel from Lodi or a Primitivo from southern Italy are what's called for here.

5.) Ribs- Oh I love a good Cabernet in this case or maybe a Bordeaux from St. Julien or St. Estephe (contain Cabernet). I'm of course speaking of ribs with a sweet thick sauce, particularly from Texas. Don't start a debate if you're from North Carolina since you have some sort of vinegar-based weirdness. South Carolina? Not going there. Sides complicate matters, so skip those in favor of more wine. Gotta watch your calories, you know. Bourbon works too come to think of it.

6.) Kraft Macaroni and Cheese- I'm speaking here, of course, of that neon colored stuff in powder form. See above re Cheerios and sippy cup. 

7.) Seven-layer Bean Dip- don't tell me there's anything healthy about this because it contains olives. It's healthy because it has guacamole. Everyone knows Avocados are a super-food. Duh. Anyhow, because of the olives, stay away from red wines. The interaction is gross. Instead, I'd go for something fairly innocuous like, again a Pinot Grigio, preferably in large production. Nothing with decent character here to clash with the refried beans!

8.) Pizza- ok. Not always white trash, but if the crust is stuffed with cheese and is swimming in fat on cardboard, don't tell me this is necessarily quality nourishment. Maybe for your soul, yes. Chianti or any other Sangiovese-based wine like a Rosso di Montalcino is best, but sometimes a Merlot with a little body is nice. Think Napa, St. Emilion or Pomerol. If you tell me you don't drink Merlot, I'll shove a bottle down your throat. Sideways was a long time ago. Millions still drink this varietal. I've seen the numbers.

9.) Funnel Cake-Don't tell me you can pass these fried dough masses with powder sugar if you're at a fair. No one can. That's why I avoid fairs and Carnies. But, you were good by skipping sides with your ribs/turkey leg, so why not some dessert? I love Trockenbeerenauslese from Austria if I go for this coronary death trap. Eiswein works too. They won't have these at the fair most likely so you'll either have to whip out your Fry Daddy (Wait, you don't have one!? How bizarre...) or sneak these wines in. I think these folks aren't too picky on their security measures, so you're probably ok.

10.) Raisenetes- you should have some fruit, and although I think raisins don't belong with or in other foods, many enjoy these little booger-shaped treats. If eating at the movies (who buys these and eats them at home, seriously?), may I suggest again either a Zinfandel (red, yes I said red) or more of your everyday garden variety Merlot. If you're trying to pair the Champagne with the popcorn and the Zin with the chocolate covered squishiness that are Rasinetes (honestly, who eats these? I mean it), I admire your commitment so best to buy splits and half-bottles. Oh and take a cab. You're too full to go on a walk, anyhow!

I'm off to a movie. Good luck with your New Year's diet everyone!

Your Snarkiness